As a person of faith, I believe in a God who loves us deeply, purely, and fully. I believe that God’s love is unshakeable and true, but more and more, I find that I live as though His love is a sham.
I’m tired of this double life. I’m tired of proclaiming with my lips that God is faithful and able, but all the while, deep in my heart, thinking that while that’s true for others, it won’t be true for me. God can move mountains for other people, but not for me.
I’m tired of not loving myself, not believing myself to be beautiful, worthy, or lovable. I’m tired of trying so hard to protect myself that I have nothing left to be strong for others. I’m tired of sticking to selfish and insecure because it’s comfortable. I’m tired of not loving others in a radical way. I’m tired of being convinced that I am powerless to do anything for the homeless man on the corner. I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being my own worst enemy and my harshest critic. I’m tired of being okay with comfort. I’m tired of thinking, “Surely there’s more.”
I’m tired of settling for mediocrity. I want to be great.
Carrie, I’d never think this of you. You have been a joy to work with in ministry. I see Christ in you and using you to help others. That being said, insecurity and fear is never of Christ. You are changing the world and the devil hates that. Those feelings are from him not of our Lord.
I struggle with insecurities and fears too and try to believe the words people say to build me up. It’s hard but there is a reason why you and I are still around in ministry.
I look forward to reading more Carrie!
Thank you for reading, Rita!