How can I make myself happy?
When I first moved back to Atlanta almost two years ago, the first thing I had to learn was how to create my own happiness.
I quickly learned that although I had lived here before and had a group of people that I considered friends, three years away meant they had forged relationships that mattered with other people. That didn’t mean that their relationship with me didn’t matter, but I also couldn’t barge my way in, pick up where we left off, and assume everything would be the same.
In fact, I quickly learned that with some of those friends, nothing would be the same, which made me sad.
And so, the first thing I had to learn, after moving from Nashville, where I had
As an introvert, this came more naturally to me than it might to an extrovert. But even though I love my quality alone time, I also had to face loneliness and the hard truth that I had relied on others for my happiness.
After many weeks and months of confronting this loneliness, and coming to terms with the fact that I was the only one who could make me happy, I found a three-step process for creating your own happiness. Over the next few weeks, we’ll talk about each step.
Step One: Be okay with being alone.
Like, really alone.
It also made me rely on myself for my good opinion of myself. It made me examine and critique the secret negative opinions I had of myself. It made me confront my self-loathing and my negative self-talk.
For me, finding a rhythm of prayer was key. For the first time ever in my whole life, not only did I live on my own, pay rent on my own, and pay for groceries on my own, but I was truly alone.
As in: just me and Jesus, most days.
That was hard a lot of the time.
But it taught me how to rely on Jesus in new ways. It taught me how to seek him first, especially because I didn’t have anyone else to rely on.
It also taught me how to rely on myself.
And not just in an independent-girl-I-can-do-anything kind of way, either.
It also made me rely on myself for my good opinion of myself. It made me examine and critique the secret negative opinions I had of myself. It made me confront my self-loathing and my negative self-talk.
Why?
Because for several months there, I had no one who would fill that emotional void to be validated and tell me I was awesome and call out the good inside me. I had to learn how to find the good in myself, how to see it, how to call it out, and how to encourage it to grow.
I’m still not perfect at this, but I have learned so much about how much our negative self-talk and negative self-opinions truly defeat us. To be okay with being alone, I had to learn how to tell those negative things to be silent and instead encourage self-belief and self-love to be the dominant voices in my head.
So, step one in creating your own happiness: be okay with being alone, and tell those negative voices to shush.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to share with you some of the ways you can create your own happiness. But instead of just blathering at you, I’d like to also share some practical things you can do to create your own happiness, too.
Some days may be difficult. Most days, you’ll probably have to push yourself a little past your comfort zones, ask yourself hard questions, and tell yourself hard truths.
But I promise: even though self-reflection may be uncomfortable, it is always worth it. Knowing yourself is the first step towards being who God created you to be. And that, my friends, is the first step to becoming great.
Do These Things to Create Your Own Happiness:
Practice #1: Make a list of 10 good things about yourself.
For most of us, it’s much easier to find 10 things about ourselves we don’t like. Resist that urge! If this is really hard for you, I suggest taking some quiet prayer time and asking Jesus to tell you what he loves about you. When you do this, write down the first things that come to mind. Don’t qualify them or dismiss them or tell yourself “That could never be the voice of Jesus…” Just receive what he tells you. If you’re feeling really bold, hang th list of 10 good things on your mirror or somewhere you’ll see it every day.
Practice #2: Cultivate a love of solitude.
What are three things you like to do when you’re all alone? Read? Draw? Color? Go for a walk in nature? Spend 15 quiet minutes every day doing the quiet things you love. The challenge here is to get away from screens—get away from Netflix, from social media, from texting your friends. Cultivate a love of solitude by doing things you enjoy doing, even when you’re by yourself. Do this every day for a week and see what happens.
(Note: If you’re married or have littles, it may be hard to get 15 minutes of alone time. Try to get it in, but if you can’t, just give yourself some grace and do the best you can. 🙂 )
Practice #3: Combat negative self-talk.
Listen carefully to what you tell yourself. When you catch yourself talking smack to yourself, or wishing you were better at something, or telling yourself you should be “more” in some way, take a second to instead tell yourself what you’re good at. Give yourself some grace and remind yourself that even though you’re not yet the best at the thing you’re struggling with, you’re working on it and that’s the only way to get better at it. The key here is to combat the negative things you tell yourself with positive ones instead.
